This is great work, Ben. Such great scene setting, and slow release of details through sparse backstory and dialog. The complicated relationship between the two brothers with two very different personalities and life choices, is revealed through, at times, seemingly trivial conversation. Particularly touching is the snippet where Caroline says "I love you," causing conflicting feelings in the protagonist. And all of this under the heavy cloud of concern for a gravely ill father. In the end, some hope in a bottle of rum for a new understanding for the brothers. Well done Ben!
Well, Ben, what a story, I just jumped in somewhere following our chat on SPAWN earlier and I will try to follow up on these stories. Great storytelling and reading. Dawn patrol is a great name too.
The best part of this story, Ben, is that which you DON'T say -- the parts you hint at but leave open to inference. You are like a breath of fresh air ( as is Jim Cummings ) in that you are competent mechanically, novel in your story lines, and can create truly authentic dialog. A pure pleasure to read. You have a reading voice full of character -- but you read aloud too fast for me. I would love for you to slow down and let me hear the melody of the lines, please. If you still seek a Beta reader, I can offer my help with the small stuff -- grammar, syntax, spelling, word choices, etc. My punctuation is pretty sketchy.
I found nothing offensive or weird. The language used and the situation seemed historically accurate to me. I am already hoping the lost lover returns, but I fear it is not a happily-ever-after kind of tale.
Well, as it sits in my head right now, it is 'sort of' a happily ever after...it's the three timelines that intrigue me most, though. Three totally different stories from three totally timelines, each related to the other. I love the freedom a 'Stack offers you when you approach it as a writing pad. They're just scribbles. But it gives me the room to tell the story the way I see it in my mind. Not having a word count is freeing. Having the time to work on it because THE DAWN PATROL is probably into February next year. Then I can put this one up when it works, for me. The thing I like about this story is that it's the first one after the last story. I wrote that one (THE EVIL THAT MEN DO), and thought, how do I beat that? That's when I remembered the story of the Beethoven Kiss. I've had that little snippet in my head for at least 10-15 years. It was an anecdotal story I heard on the CBC. The story's obviously been around for 200 years, but it was the first time I heard it. That's a major underlying theme, I guess you'd call it. The music is as much a part of the story as the two lovers. Like I told my mother when she asked why I didn't have happy endings (I used to read my stories to her) if it's a happy ending it's just a story, if someone dies, it's a tragedy. People remember tragic love stories. But this one, I think, is more of a resolution.
I'm not sure I know what is offensive vis a vis the gay community particularly. But, as you say, history is history and words can't be made PC retroactively. You could do as some writers here do and that is present a brief succinct disclaimer or advisory as an intro. See here, for example: https://jimcummings5251.substack.com/p/death-art
That's a pretty good disclaimer. It's not that I usually care about these things, but my daughter...well...she works in a corporate world whereas I was in an Industrial world, and I guess she has better manners than I do. How about I just send it to you, you look at it, and if you think it's 'weird' in any way, I'll take another look at it.
This is great work, Ben. Such great scene setting, and slow release of details through sparse backstory and dialog. The complicated relationship between the two brothers with two very different personalities and life choices, is revealed through, at times, seemingly trivial conversation. Particularly touching is the snippet where Caroline says "I love you," causing conflicting feelings in the protagonist. And all of this under the heavy cloud of concern for a gravely ill father. In the end, some hope in a bottle of rum for a new understanding for the brothers. Well done Ben!
Thanks Jim. You're so kind! I'm speechless -- I know, THAT'S hard to believe!
Well, Ben, what a story, I just jumped in somewhere following our chat on SPAWN earlier and I will try to follow up on these stories. Great storytelling and reading. Dawn patrol is a great name too.
The best part of this story, Ben, is that which you DON'T say -- the parts you hint at but leave open to inference. You are like a breath of fresh air ( as is Jim Cummings ) in that you are competent mechanically, novel in your story lines, and can create truly authentic dialog. A pure pleasure to read. You have a reading voice full of character -- but you read aloud too fast for me. I would love for you to slow down and let me hear the melody of the lines, please. If you still seek a Beta reader, I can offer my help with the small stuff -- grammar, syntax, spelling, word choices, etc. My punctuation is pretty sketchy.
I'm just looking for someone to read what I have and tell me if it is, or isn't offensive.
I found nothing offensive or weird. The language used and the situation seemed historically accurate to me. I am already hoping the lost lover returns, but I fear it is not a happily-ever-after kind of tale.
Well, as it sits in my head right now, it is 'sort of' a happily ever after...it's the three timelines that intrigue me most, though. Three totally different stories from three totally timelines, each related to the other. I love the freedom a 'Stack offers you when you approach it as a writing pad. They're just scribbles. But it gives me the room to tell the story the way I see it in my mind. Not having a word count is freeing. Having the time to work on it because THE DAWN PATROL is probably into February next year. Then I can put this one up when it works, for me. The thing I like about this story is that it's the first one after the last story. I wrote that one (THE EVIL THAT MEN DO), and thought, how do I beat that? That's when I remembered the story of the Beethoven Kiss. I've had that little snippet in my head for at least 10-15 years. It was an anecdotal story I heard on the CBC. The story's obviously been around for 200 years, but it was the first time I heard it. That's a major underlying theme, I guess you'd call it. The music is as much a part of the story as the two lovers. Like I told my mother when she asked why I didn't have happy endings (I used to read my stories to her) if it's a happy ending it's just a story, if someone dies, it's a tragedy. People remember tragic love stories. But this one, I think, is more of a resolution.
Oh yes, and I will slow down in my reading. I don't know why I sped through the last one. But I'll make an effort to go slower.
I'm not sure I know what is offensive vis a vis the gay community particularly. But, as you say, history is history and words can't be made PC retroactively. You could do as some writers here do and that is present a brief succinct disclaimer or advisory as an intro. See here, for example: https://jimcummings5251.substack.com/p/death-art
That's a pretty good disclaimer. It's not that I usually care about these things, but my daughter...well...she works in a corporate world whereas I was in an Industrial world, and I guess she has better manners than I do. How about I just send it to you, you look at it, and if you think it's 'weird' in any way, I'll take another look at it.